Because I Love You
A day does not go by that the thoughts of you do not come to mind. Thoughts that sometimes scare me to bits and sometimes, thoughts that even my own mind dare not think aloud. Even though many are the times that I find myself talking to myself, laughing at things we would both have found funny. Yes, it may sound crazy but somehow, in this journey of life I seem to find myself standing at a crossroads. Even after all those years of deliberation, am left in a dilemma. Is the food sweeter to the left or to the right, or should I just stay in between and try to sample both flavors… smh!
Looking back at how far we came together, nine long months as I held the small of my back, in deliberation as to what I would do when you finally gave your first cry. I keep looking at the mirror, hoping in there I will catch a glimpse of you, us. Something I hoped that someday would be a reality. I keep turning the pages of my bible trying to find where I went wrong. Looking for answers to questions that even the mirror can’t answer. I have searched for answers, looked deeper into myself to see where I went wrong but it comes back to just nothing.
Tell me what you would do if every time you looked in the mirror you saw a shadow of who you were. A mere skeleton, turned thus by dreams that were shattered. I keep going back to a day in November, a few months ago, as I stared, scared by the pain in my tummy, at the white coated elites running around. The day that I lost a jewel in a haystack, my jewel. Tears keep falling, tears that give me solace in my now empty world.
It was no mistake, I keep telling myself. But the number of times I cry, the number of times I scream at the walls that silently stare back at me remain countless. Are not even enough to swallow the pain in me. But I will go on, I know. Some day I will rise from my stupor and walk tall again. I will miss the feelings that you made me learn, I will miss the kick of your leg on my tummy, a wish I will always have.
I want to feel the same for another, but the pain would cripple my young heart, it may even leave me desolate, hurt and unable to heal. Am not the best, a mother I would have been. Yet the tug in my heart pulls me farther within. Hoping to find a shred of you, a small piece of you left to console the dismal me. I can not weep a tear, I cannot whimper. Even the grip on my heart tightens with the cry of an infant. Yet every second that they keep me here kills a part of me. The part that loved you with all it had… this part that will always remain your mother. This part that, even when my world fades, will never forget you or who you made me be. Yes. You will always be mine even when I decide to bury this. And when I let go, I want not to be free but to be left with a memory of you… of what we shared together. Because I love you.